BEHIND THE VEIL

[riverotter]

let her kiss me with the kisses of her mouth
for her love is better than wine
and her fruit is sweet to my taste

Her right hand is under my head
and her left hand doth embrace me

Behold, thou art fair my love
behold thou art fair

Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet
thy eyes are as doves behind the veil
and comely is thy mouth

Thy two breasts are as fawns
feeding among the lilies

Thy navel is like a round goblet
wherein no mingled wine is wanting

Thy belly is like mound of wheat
set about with lilies

Let thy breasts be as clusters on the vine
and thy mouth like the best wine

Open to me my love
for my head is filled
with the drops of the night

Come my beloved
let us see if the vine flourishes
and the tender grapes appear
and the pomegranates bud forth
for there I will give you my love

[emme2009]

`Hi,
Beautiful.. You have a gift with words.. and I don't say that lightly.
However, if you don't mind -- I'd like to give you some constructive criticism if I may.. In the beginning, it's worded as if you're not talking directly to her, and then at the end, you are. I think it would work fine, if you stayed as if you weren't talking directly to her.. Also, I think if you keep the language current (without thy, thou, and doth) I think it would be just as beautiful and strong, and possibly, stronger.
Em :-)